Friends are always supposed to have their friends’ best interests in mind. I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine. I’ll kick your skeezy ex bf’ ass, you kick mine’s. If you look like a stupid whore in that skirt, I won’t let you leave the house in it, etc. Right?Apparently not. Happiness among friends, I’ve learned, goes only as far as their own state of mind:
- If I’m not happy and you’re not happy, we’re both happy.
- If I am happy and you aren’t, I’m happy.
- And if you are happy and I’m not, then I’m a miserable bitch.
I can be bitter. I can be just as jealous and resentful as the next girl when it comes to not getting my way. But, I am trying (despite what friends may think) to not be so ridiculous over petty stuff. Deep down, I would never be angry or hostile towards anyone I love for something that makes them truly happy.
Cue my dilemma.
I have been seeing a pretty amazing guy for the past nine months or so now and couldn’t be happier (gross, I know). After secretly pining over him forever and hating his previous girlf, we took that bumpy romantic comedy-esque jump from friends to more than friends after he dumped the skank.
Anyway, before this cheese-fest of a sappy relationship began I was in what can best be described as the Bitter and Lonely Club. Freshman year I went through a pretty horrific high school break-up and was immediately taken in by an incredible group of people in my school's Theatre Company. The one thing outside of theatre that we had in common was that we were—you guessed it—bitter and lonely. Night after night was spent over pints of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food discussing the low-life male species and how they caused us so much strife.
Within seconds of my first kiss with Todd I was immediately thrown out of the B.L.C.--which I was ok with. I was no longer bitter and I was no longer lonely. As happy as I was now, dating the boy that had driven me to an ice cream-y mope-fest for months, I was thrown out of more than just the unhappy society. I was basically exiled from my whole circle of friends. Of course, to some extent I expected this, but not quite like it turned out. No I didn't expect them to throw me a party. Actually, I didn't even want to tell them what had happened. Not because of a lack of trust or anything, I just knew that on some level, they'd hate me.
Funny, one of the happiest moments in my college life thus far and I was too scared to share it with my best friends. Of course, I shared what I thought they could handle--we kissed, it's official, we're keeping it quiet so his crazy ex doesn't kill me. I made it a rule that we not act all cute and coupley in front of anyone I knew because I know I would've hated it. But, obviously, some things were going to have to change. Todd was also a member of the Theatre Company and he was always around to begin with so it wasn't like I brought some stranger into the group or like I had to travel long distances for days just to see him. He was around like he always had been.
Right off the bat, I was treated differently. I no longer had a valued opinion, my presence was never really wanted but when I wasn't around, that made me a bad friend. No longer were basic invitations given to me and I was expected to just be there if I wanted to be and that was that. A few of my less openly hostile friends discussed my predicament with me but only to say that it was my responsibility to make the change in my lifestyle as easy as possible on those around me. Basically, let everyone walk all over me because it's the fair thing to do...
Fair. I was forced to suck it up and let people treat me like shit, exclude me from general fun and merriment all because I had the balls to take a chance and get a boyfriend. Well, I wasn't about to lose my biffs over something like this so, I allowed it. The thing that I probably got the most scolding for was unofficially moving into Todd's apartment. It started as a new relationship let's never be apart sorta thing but then it became very convenient for the both of us. I hated my actual living space for various reasons (it was like a mile from any of my classes and I liked 1 of 5 roommates). At Todd's I was able to be close to him, my classes and all of my other friends that basically visited 24/7. But alas, my happiness was too short lived and I will never live down the fact that I chose to stay there instead of my own place. Nine months later, things have not improved. In fact, they've gotten worse if you can believe it. I am still not fully included in group activities. If I have a positive opinion towards anything at all, it is simply because I have bf or if I'm sad, that's not allowed because I am in a relationship...or so I am told. I desperately crave the fun girl nights that I am not allowed in on anymore because I miss them. I no longer get phone calls inviting me, I only see the tagged photos on facebook or read the away messages.
Confront them, you may suggest. Been there, been told off. Which leaves me where I am right now. I am forced to latch on to my boyfriend because I feel I have no one else. He is always there for me when my friends decide they don't want me around. Why should I mope and be lonely when at least he wants to spend time with me? "Just have Todd bring you. You do everything with him anyway"--that's all I hear. It may be true but only because of necessity. I refuse to sit in my room and sulk about things when I know I have another option. He may be tired of my sobbing til three in the morning about how no one likes me anymore and that I have tried my hardest to make my friends want me around, but he still listens.
My resolution: well, I don't have one. I want my friends to like me for me and to know that I would never put a boy before them--or better yet, I wish they knew that from the start. Guess I will just keep doing what I am doing and worry about my own happiness. I can't make everyone happy and I won't let that affect how I live my life anymore.
