A fat fad

Pink sparkley cell phones, Hannah Montana blaring in an equally pink iPod, using "OMG" and other abbreviations in place of real sentences, skinny jeans, baby bumps...wait a minute?

High school is filled with ever changing trends and fashion statements. The newest, hottest craze storming teens across America? Big baby filled bellies!

Where annoying butterfly charmed rings used to dangle in an alluring come and get me sort of way, maternity elastic pants now stretch to fit the stomachs of young girls. Now, in my hometown, teen pregnancy wasn't a shocker. In fact, not being preggers at prom was quite the feat. But ever since Zoey 101 kid star Jamie -Lynne blimped up and Ellen Page stuffed her t-shirt for Juno, and Katherine Heigl was happily ever after Knocked Up, girls apparently just can't be seen without their own real baby bubble.

By the by, congrats to Miss Spears for giving birth to baby Maddie Briann last week! Let's see how things turn out with that: 17 year old momma, college drop-out daddy and a whole lotta press!

In Gloucester, MA this past week, during the graduation and prom hullabaloo, an astounding 17 girls are greeting their summer vacations with a slightly more round bikini bod. All of the soon-to-be mothers are no older than 16 and apparently formed some sort of weird underage pregnancy cult pacting to get preggo together and help each other raise their children. High fives were exchanged outside of the school nurse's office after positive pee-stick testing.

Some school officials are blaming the preggers craze in Hollywood and shrinks might say it's the unwed mothers'-to-be need for unconditional love. The fathers are clearly out of the picture (the only confirmed sperm donor to the cause was a 24 year old homeless man. Maybe we should investigate why 16 yr olds are sleeping with homeless people...)

What will come of this infant explosion among teeny boppers? Who knows! Is it all the fault of Juno and Bleeker's adorable Mac & Cheese romance? Or Jamie-Lynn's real-life game of house with her southern boy toy? Perhaps. But regardless of these Hollywood excuses for bad parenting, I think there is something a little more serious going on with these girls. Maybe it's the school system's lack of sex-ed (parents request that nurses or anyone do not distribute condoms or promote safe sex since they're obvi doing a great job with their kids at home).

I only hope this new bun in the oven fashion trend doesn't stick around the high schools much longer. After popping out the not so wee one I 'm sure these girls will have some second thoughts and children having children will be so 2008.

rE!ality: Part 2

Denise, life's complicated, I get it.

The ex-Mrs. Sheen is most known for her slew of sexy but mostly skanky roles from Wild Things to Bond girl. Tabloids call her a gold digger, husband stealer, bitch, you name it she's heard it.

But Denise wants us to see her for the real down home farm girl from Illinois that she is. A mother of two, owner of too many dogs and pigs and a mourning daughter.

Watching this extremely censored show (Richards has the mouth of a disgruntled trucker), I can't help but just feel bad for the girl. She just can't cut a break. Charlie Sheen was a drug addicted, gambling douche bag, Richie Sambora only brought a smile to the paparazzi's faces and her mother died while in negotiations for the E! show. Ouch.

I'm glad she has the chance to tell her side of the story and I can even relate to her on some level. When my bf and I started dating he had just gotten out of a really bad relationship. We were very close for a long time but only as friends. As for his heinous girlf, we were well, frienemies. Anyway, he dumped her and a few months later we made it official. So the story goes for Richards, Sambora and Heather Locklier. I am still, almost a year later, referred to as a boyfriend stealer.

Now, I don't have photogs up my ass harassing me and declaring me a slut to the world but still, it's no fun being told you ruin relationships for your own pleasure and that's what Denise is trying to say along with swiping the parent card for good measure.

Aside from the anti-tabloid antics, the Richards family just likes to kick back in some Prada shoes with the pigs. Denise is trying to date again, her friends throw her a spa/how to be a stripper party to get her out of a rut and this is all while she is dealing with her mother's untimely death.

I may be biased but I think she is a pretty impressive woman and I look forward to hearing more of her bleeped out story as the show gets picked up for a second season!

Bitter(sans)Sweet

For the past heat waved week I have stowed away at a non-air conditioned UMD, mooched off of my friends and their freshman orientation program and bummed a ride with anything on four wheels. All of this was in a sad attempt to make a few dollars a night at the TV studio I work at.

Earlier this spring I applied for the sweetest job ever on campus for the summer--freshman Orientation Leader (OL). What does this entail? Well, any incoming college newbies are forced to spend a night on campus before school starts "learning" all they need to know about the school (how to sneak alcohol into dorms)and the location (best places to drink and not get caught) from their fearless leaders.

2 weeks of "training"+ 2 weeks of babysitting = $1,500 paycheck.

Like I said, sweet.

I applied for a position, bullshitting my way through the forms like the English major I am (never lying, only emphasizing). Along with my application went four of my other friends'--one frat boy and Mr. UMD (which might as well mean he's a Greek). Hmm who do you think got the job? Myself or my other non-Greek friend that applied? Nope because God knows ex-high school seniors need only be educated on how the frat system works in college, not how normal people live. More than half of the staff hired this sumer is in a fraternity or a sorrority.

I researched the winners of the OL application battle to find scantily clad, underaged blondes sipping Vodka from the bottle and Greek letter wearing meatheads. Sure, I sound like I am stereotyping and just jealous but in my opinion, which doesn't matter, kids shouldn't be taught how to live through college life from people who openly post pictures on Facebook of themselves shitfaced commenting, "OMG i was sooooo totally drunk lol ;)"

So after the initial uncovering of impending devestation to the future of these poor freshman souls, I decided to delve into the world of orientation to see what earns the big check: bowling, obstacle course running, karaoke, bus tours of New Bedford and free un-supervised housing where drinking and drug use is totally supported.

Now don't get me wrong, my TV job is in no way laborious but still just a tad more involved than karaoke. Yet I still was driven to Dartmouth, slept in an undisclosed location on campus, ate my friends food, used up all my boyfriend's gas (ps. he's an OL) and let him buy me lots of food with his alloted meal allowance so that I could work two hours a night filming middle school bands.

This was my last full week of paid shoots, I still don't have a car or another job lined up and have yet to recieve any income since school let out. Pretty much, life's awesome.

Sure this may be all you've heard from me whether in blog or in person for quite some time now but oh well. I'm done ranting.

rE!ality: Part 1

My latest addiction- E!'s juicy new summer line of couture celeb reality shows.

They had me when I was challenged to keep up with the Kardashian's and now I get to live with the Lohans and husband steal with Denise Richards!

We're all familiar with Lindsay's trainwreck lifestyle--multiple fender benders, hospitilizations, drug use, rehab, sucky movie roles, newfound lesbianism etc.-- but who knew she had a little sister? The not so shocking part however, mini Lohan wants to be exactly like her big sis. And helping the 14yr old along the way, her ever doting mother Dina.

Momma Lohan may not have the track record of Mrs. Spears (exhibit A and B: preggers Jamie-Lynne, Bonkers Britney) but she ain't no mother of the year either. I think the aim of Living Lohan is to show that the family isn't all the tabloids say it is and that the single mother of four(there's an adorable unaffected little brother and older brother Michael) is wholesome and has her kids' best interest at heart. But that perfect smile and all too smug attitude we see in the mags leads us to believe otherwise...

Episode 2 of the new rE!ality show: After Ali talks her mother out of wearing a see through little Stella Mcartney dress, Dina leaves the kids home with a teen babysitter to go to a magazine party which suprise, she was on the cover. The kids smell something like a gas leak or fire. Mommy doesn't hear her phone ring through the pouring martinis and pumping music. 11yr old Dakota calls the fire department himself. Momma Lohan makes it home only after her driver recieves a call about the fire and lets her know.

She's a classy broad that Dina.

I'm just saying, leaving the kids practically unattended and ignoring their calls for help while partying- not cool. Letting some 20 something unknown aspiring musician that has been stalking you online into your house to hang with your underage daughter alone-maybz a bad idea.

I will give Lilo's mom props on not letting the mean girls of high school bring down Ali, fighting the tabloids tooth and nail and for working so damn hard to manage her daughters' careers. It's just difficult to see past that Botox happy, bleach blonde facade to see a caring matriarch where a fame hungry attention whore seems to reside...

HAPPINESS is...against the rules

Friends are always supposed to have their friends’ best interests in mind. I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine. I’ll kick your skeezy ex bf’ ass, you kick mine’s. If you look like a stupid whore in that skirt, I won’t let you leave the house in it, etc. Right?

Apparently not. Happiness among friends, I’ve learned, goes only as far as their own state of mind:

1. If I’m not happy and you’re not happy, we’re both happy.
2. If I am happy and you aren’t, I’m happy.
3. And if you are happy and I’m not, then I’m a miserable bitch.
   

I can be bitter. I can be just as jealous and resentful as the next girl when it comes to not getting my way. But, I am trying (despite what friends may think) to not be so ridiculous over petty stuff. Deep down, I would never be angry or hostile towards anyone I love for something that makes them truly happy.

Cue my dilemma.

I have been seeing a pretty amazing guy for the past nine months or so now and couldn’t be happier (gross, I know). After secretly pining over him forever and hating his previous girlf, we took that bumpy romantic comedy-esque jump from friends to more than friends after he dumped the skank.

Anyway, before this cheese-fest of a sappy relationship began I was in what can best be described as the Bitter and Lonely Club. Freshman year I went through a pretty horrific high school break-up and was immediately taken in by an incredible group of people in my school's Theatre Company. The one thing outside of theatre that we had in common was that we were—you guessed it—bitter and lonely. Night after night was spent over pints of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food discussing the low-life male species and how they caused us so much strife.

Within seconds of my first kiss with Todd I was immediately thrown out of the B.L.C.--which I was ok with. I was no longer bitter and I was no longer lonely. As happy as I was now, dating the boy that had driven me to an ice cream-y mope-fest for months, I was thrown out of more than just the unhappy society. I was basically exiled from my whole circle of friends. Of course, to some extent I expected this, but not quite like it turned out. No I didn't expect them to throw me a party. Actually, I didn't even want to tell them what had happened. Not because of a lack of trust or anything, I just knew that on some level, they'd hate me.

Funny, one of the happiest moments in my college life thus far and I was too scared to share it with my best friends. Of course, I shared what I thought they could handle--we kissed, it's official, we're keeping it quiet so his crazy ex doesn't kill me.

I made it a rule that we not act all cute and coupley in front of anyone I knew because I know I would've hated it. But, obviously, some things were going to have to change. Todd was also a member of the Theatre Company and he was always around to begin with so it wasn't like I brought some stranger into the group or like I had to travel long distances for days just to see him. He was around like he always had been.

Right off the bat, I was treated differently. I no longer had a valued opinion, my presence was never really wanted but when I wasn't around, that made me a bad friend. No longer were basic invitations given to me and I was expected to just be there if I wanted to be and that was that. A few of my less openly hostile friends discussed my predicament with me but only to say that it was my responsibility to make the change in my lifestyle as easy as possible on those around me. Basically, let everyone walk all over me because it's the fair thing to do...

Fair. I was forced to suck it up and let people treat me like shit, exclude me from general fun and merriment all because I had the balls to take a chance and get a boyfriend. Well, I wasn't about to lose my biffs over something like this so, I allowed it. The thing that I probably got the most scolding for was unofficially moving into Todd's apartment. It started as a new relationship let's never be apart sorta thing but then it became very convenient for the both of us. I hated my actual living space for various reasons (it was like a mile from any of my classes and I liked 1 of 5 roommates). At Todd's I was able to be close to him, my classes and all of my other friends that basically visited 24/7. But alas, my happiness was too short lived and I will never live down the fact that I chose to stay there instead of my own place.

Nine months later, things have not improved. In fact, they've gotten worse if you can believe it. I am still not fully included in group activities. If I have a positive opinion towards anything at all, it is simply because I have bf or if I'm sad, that's not allowed because I am in a relationship...or so I am told. I desperately crave the fun girl nights that I am not allowed in on anymore because I miss them. I no longer get phone calls inviting me, I only see the tagged photos on facebook or read the away messages.

Confront them, you may suggest. Been there, been told off. Which leaves me where I am right now. I am forced to latch on to my boyfriend because I feel I have no one else. He is always there for me when my friends decide they don't want me around. Why should I mope and be lonely when at least he wants to spend time with me?

"Just have Todd bring you. You do everything with him anyway"--that's all I hear. It may be true but only because of necessity. I refuse to sit in my room and sulk about things when I know I have another option. He may be tired of my sobbing til three in the morning about how no one likes me anymore and that I have tried my hardest to make my friends want me around, but he still listens.

My resolution: well, I don't have one. I want my friends to like me for me and to know that I would never put a boy before them--or better yet, I wish they knew that from the start. Guess I will just keep doing what I am doing and worry about my own happiness. I can't make everyone happy and I won't let that affect how I live my life anymore.

Dinner for two please

Summer is in the air and babies are in celebrity bellies!

I think everyone in Hollywood is pregnant right now or at least toting around tinsletown’s latest must have accessory—a tiny tot. Whether freshly adopted from a third world country (what up Madonna’s baby) or just born to some young previously troubled rents (hey hey Harlow Madden) these itty bitty drooly arm decorations are everywhere!

Every magazine cover/gossip news segment announces one of three things:

1. Is (insert questionably preggers celeb name here) expecting twins?
2. Confirmed: Baby on the way for (insert impregnated famous person’s name here)!
3. How (insert no longer pregnant and now super skinny star’s name here) lost all that baby weight in 9 days!
   

Jessica Alba, Angelina, Jamie-Lynn, Nicole Kidman, Ashlee Simpson are all concealing everyone’s favorite bump (with the exception of Kidman who at six months has gained maybe 3lbs—I say she had too big a lunch and is passing that off as a pregnancy). Halle Berry, J-Lo, Salma Hayek, Christina Aguilera and Nicole Ritchie are all parental-newbies who have dropped all the baby weight and then some and picked up the coveted title of “Celebrity Mommy”.

Boys can play this game too. Jack Black just welcomed his second son, the littlest Hanson bro is all grown up/a new daddy and Harold Perrineau (Michael, LOST) added a new girl to his life. Even Idol vetran Clay Aiken has jumped on the reproduction line...well he artificially inseminated his 50-something-yr old best girl friend, but still.

If you aren’t fortunate enough to be one of these tummy touting headliners, no worries:

1. Don’t suck it in while wearing a super tight dress.
2. Gorge on some junk food in public.
3. Just be seen with a member of the opposite sex.
   

Voila! You’ve got yourself a fresh, hot bun in the oven rumor!