I regret to report that plans for a "pro-Miley Cyrus-Hannah Montana Rocks-Disney still has hope" blog have been corrupted.
My far too knowledged little sister informed me that in fact, Miley has crossed over to the dark side.
During an in depth chat on my fave topic, the debauchery that is young Hollywood, my sister began to list the disappointments of Disney Channel-- Ashley Tisdale's Wacko-Jacko nose jobs, Vanessa's sex tape scandals, Jamie-Lynn's growing bump--I added a naive, "At least we still have Miley Cyrus!" Nope.
She shot me down before I could say "Don't break my achey-breaky heart". "There are pictures of Miley naked online now. Or at least half naked." I couldn't believe it. I reluctantly typed her name into google which I know is very liberal with their uncensored photos. One image stuck out among the hundreds of smiley, inspiring photos of a respectable child star. My eyes tried to deny the striking resemblance that this barely dressed tween had to Hannah Montana.
Now, there was no nudity. No little black censor bars over her very illegal body. But a clearly self-taken cell phone pic of a little girl (assumably Miley) in a rolled up t-shirt, unfortunately a noticeable lack of bra, and tiny boy short undies. One of her standing and one lying in a bed.
I won't lie, it hurt my soul a bit.
There was only one posting of this image and there was question of its authenticity. It's sad to think but maybe we can at least hold on to the fact that at least she wasn't fully naked...? No! I can't give up on her yet. I won't. She is the last remaining straw in the straw dispenser that is role models for kids today!
Miley, until these photos are authenticated by a professional, or your mom, I will support you and your legalized name change to Miley Ray Cyrus as well as your many crazy, split-personality adventures*
*As long as you don't get pregnant, a nose job, go to rehab, send naked photos to Drake Bell etc.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Little Miss Guided
Thursday during the prime-time TV block on ABC I watched the new Ashton-produced series Miss Guided with some friends and my 13-year-old sister and some interesting converstaion was ignited.
The good ol' classy, non-knocked up Nick star Jamie-Lynn Spears made a shocking cameo as a rather permiscuous high school student (Ironic foreshadowing? I think so.) We all chuckled as she popped up on screen all slim and slender flashing pushed-up cleavage dusted with her platinum highlights-- and totally not preggers yet. It was fun for my college friends to joke about the lack of bun in her oven. My sister, the 13-year-old, the one who should not understand the complications of baby-making let alone baby-daddy drama chimed in with her opinion on the situation.
In an I'm trying to be punk-pretending not to care about gossip toned voice she squealed,
"You know she doesn't even know who the father is?"
I laughed uncomfortably thinking, umm, you mean she doesn't know the name of the stork bringing her the miracle baby she is getting!
"I heard it might be Lil Romeo's or even a producer from Nickelodeon!" She had an unusually maniacal and pleased look on her face. Nothing pleased her more than to dish this juicy tidbit to my way-cool-older friends and I. This was a lot to take in. Jamie-Lynn's torrid love affairs with apparently all of Kentwood, LA as well as corporate Nick was tainting the innocent minds of children everywhere, of children in my very own living room.
The lil pop-tart didn't fall far from the over-sexed chaotic skank tree that is her tabloid drenching big sis Brit. Baby Spears is filling the poparazzo cameras with big bellied photos shopping for mommy gear and holding hands with one of the supposed daddys-- and kids get to see the 16-year-old experience this grown-up activity for themselves. She doesn't make it look hard or troublesome for her or her family or like it was even remotely a bad idea to get pregnant while still in celebrity kid-trailer schooled-high school. And Nickelodeon isn't doing anything about their teen star's scandal either (rumors hinted at a Linda Ellerby news special airing on the channel to address the issue but Jamie's about to pop and still no discussion-- maybe they are waiting for the baby's comments on the issue.)
Someone needs to explain to these kids that Jamie was young, extremely misguided, (most likely) drunk and far too stupid for her own good to think to put a condom on any of the boys/men she's been banging since she was 14. Why is young Hollywood determined to ruin what's left of the kids in America? It's bad enough that the High School musical kids are either getting nose jobs or naked for their bf's cell phone every other minute. None of them are gonna fess up to what they are doing, that's what lawyers and PR people are for.
If kids are our future than I'm not so pumped for pregnant middle schoolers, after-school plastic surgery runs and kiddy porn on the playground. Yeah, scary. I know.
The good ol' classy, non-knocked up Nick star Jamie-Lynn Spears made a shocking cameo as a rather permiscuous high school student (Ironic foreshadowing? I think so.) We all chuckled as she popped up on screen all slim and slender flashing pushed-up cleavage dusted with her platinum highlights-- and totally not preggers yet. It was fun for my college friends to joke about the lack of bun in her oven. My sister, the 13-year-old, the one who should not understand the complications of baby-making let alone baby-daddy drama chimed in with her opinion on the situation.
In an I'm trying to be punk-pretending not to care about gossip toned voice she squealed,
"You know she doesn't even know who the father is?"
I laughed uncomfortably thinking, umm, you mean she doesn't know the name of the stork bringing her the miracle baby she is getting!
"I heard it might be Lil Romeo's or even a producer from Nickelodeon!" She had an unusually maniacal and pleased look on her face. Nothing pleased her more than to dish this juicy tidbit to my way-cool-older friends and I. This was a lot to take in. Jamie-Lynn's torrid love affairs with apparently all of Kentwood, LA as well as corporate Nick was tainting the innocent minds of children everywhere, of children in my very own living room.
The lil pop-tart didn't fall far from the over-sexed chaotic skank tree that is her tabloid drenching big sis Brit. Baby Spears is filling the poparazzo cameras with big bellied photos shopping for mommy gear and holding hands with one of the supposed daddys-- and kids get to see the 16-year-old experience this grown-up activity for themselves. She doesn't make it look hard or troublesome for her or her family or like it was even remotely a bad idea to get pregnant while still in celebrity kid-trailer schooled-high school. And Nickelodeon isn't doing anything about their teen star's scandal either (rumors hinted at a Linda Ellerby news special airing on the channel to address the issue but Jamie's about to pop and still no discussion-- maybe they are waiting for the baby's comments on the issue.)
Someone needs to explain to these kids that Jamie was young, extremely misguided, (most likely) drunk and far too stupid for her own good to think to put a condom on any of the boys/men she's been banging since she was 14. Why is young Hollywood determined to ruin what's left of the kids in America? It's bad enough that the High School musical kids are either getting nose jobs or naked for their bf's cell phone every other minute. None of them are gonna fess up to what they are doing, that's what lawyers and PR people are for.
If kids are our future than I'm not so pumped for pregnant middle schoolers, after-school plastic surgery runs and kiddy porn on the playground. Yeah, scary. I know.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Spring Broke
Tila Tequila wrote a post a few weeks back on myspace that got me thinking (of course I'm "friends" with her, aren't you?)
"WANNA PARTY FOR SPRING BREAK?" asked Tila.
"Fuckin right I do!" My inner monologue replied.
Apparently MTV has recruited this pint-sized-Asian supermodel-named after a Mexican liquor to host its big Spring Break extravaganza in Miami. Thousands of half-naked college students will flock to the beaches of Florida or Cancun, leaving their inhibitions and any concerns for their livers back home. The stringier the bikini and the stronger the mix drink the better! That's what Spring Break is all about...from what I've learned on MTV that is.
I am 20 years old and I have never been anywhere exciting for that one week off we get during spring. No Florida. No Mexico. No Europe. Not even off the East Coast. Nothin.
Why have I never done anything remotely entertaining or sunny? Money. How the fuck do these perfectly tanned, press on-nailed, hair highlighted girls get the moola needed to travel anywhere past the local mall? I can barely afford the trip to the Bruin's game on discount night my friends are planning let alone a plane ticket, hotel and amenities, a new vacay-wardrobe and pretty mix drinks with colorful umbrellas. It's not a lack of income or savings, I have some of that but nowhere near enough for the wild part-aay every other university-goer seems privileged to.
What will I actually be doing next week? Well, after a rousing night of fun at Dave & Busters, I may just travel the whole 4o mins. to my bf's place where he promises to take me bowling, followed by a week of napping most likely. Spontaneity will hopefully play a part on my wide open vacation schedule. An unplanned trip to NYC? A sleepover party in a cheap motel down the cape? Wooo hoo! Chase your tequila with that Tila!
"WANNA PARTY FOR SPRING BREAK?" asked Tila.
"Fuckin right I do!" My inner monologue replied.
Apparently MTV has recruited this pint-sized-Asian supermodel-named after a Mexican liquor to host its big Spring Break extravaganza in Miami. Thousands of half-naked college students will flock to the beaches of Florida or Cancun, leaving their inhibitions and any concerns for their livers back home. The stringier the bikini and the stronger the mix drink the better! That's what Spring Break is all about...from what I've learned on MTV that is.
I am 20 years old and I have never been anywhere exciting for that one week off we get during spring. No Florida. No Mexico. No Europe. Not even off the East Coast. Nothin.
Why have I never done anything remotely entertaining or sunny? Money. How the fuck do these perfectly tanned, press on-nailed, hair highlighted girls get the moola needed to travel anywhere past the local mall? I can barely afford the trip to the Bruin's game on discount night my friends are planning let alone a plane ticket, hotel and amenities, a new vacay-wardrobe and pretty mix drinks with colorful umbrellas. It's not a lack of income or savings, I have some of that but nowhere near enough for the wild part-aay every other university-goer seems privileged to.
What will I actually be doing next week? Well, after a rousing night of fun at Dave & Busters, I may just travel the whole 4o mins. to my bf's place where he promises to take me bowling, followed by a week of napping most likely. Spontaneity will hopefully play a part on my wide open vacation schedule. An unplanned trip to NYC? A sleepover party in a cheap motel down the cape? Wooo hoo! Chase your tequila with that Tila!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
YUCK-O!
Hi, I'm Jess and I write Pop Culture blogs. That means in the time it takes you to read this post, I will have given you a healthy and delicious dose of Pop Culture in just under 400 words.
Ok, so if my bubbly, scripted opening didn't give it away already, I was once a fan of Rachael Ray. Phew, feels good to get that off my chest finally. Yup. It's true. There was once a time in my life where I believed that every meal should be made in under 30 minutes and that no food outing should cost more than $40 a day. Rachael was once a successful and respectable woman that I looked up to.
But I am no longer a follower of this happy-peppy-percolator.
My fall from the Rachael Ray Nation came before she had even become the unstoppable powerhouse she is today. Back in the day, the virtuous Ms. Ray opted to do a rather tasteless FHM spread. Wearing an assortment of bras and tiny gingham skirt-apron things, Rachael seductively bent over a stove, bathed with the dirty dishes (that's just unsanitary) and licked chocolate batter of a spoon. Yummo? I think not. Is this the kind of girl you want teaching you how to make a delicious and healthy meal for your family?
Unfortunately, this was the spark that lit the pilot of her career. She was suddenly iconic and marketable (sex...and food always sell). Now she has her own talk show, three Food Network series, a line of cookware and hundreds of books! She even has her own brand of E.V.O.O. Which might I add, is supposed to be an abbreviation but doesn't work since every time she uses it, she ends up spelling out the damn thing! "E.V.O.O., Extra Virgin Olive Oil!"
Quite frankly, she needs to be stopped. No I don't compare her to Hitler or Stalin (she's a little more bubbly). But really people, I think she's trying to take over the world. Every commercial or billboard I see has her face and that deliriously huge smile selling coffee or donuts! She is everywhere and no one can stop her. She's like the Miley Cyrus for soccer moms.
What more can this woman possibly do? I take that back, I don't want to know.
Ok, so if my bubbly, scripted opening didn't give it away already, I was once a fan of Rachael Ray. Phew, feels good to get that off my chest finally. Yup. It's true. There was once a time in my life where I believed that every meal should be made in under 30 minutes and that no food outing should cost more than $40 a day. Rachael was once a successful and respectable woman that I looked up to.
But I am no longer a follower of this happy-peppy-percolator.
My fall from the Rachael Ray Nation came before she had even become the unstoppable powerhouse she is today. Back in the day, the virtuous Ms. Ray opted to do a rather tasteless FHM spread. Wearing an assortment of bras and tiny gingham skirt-apron things, Rachael seductively bent over a stove, bathed with the dirty dishes (that's just unsanitary) and licked chocolate batter of a spoon. Yummo? I think not. Is this the kind of girl you want teaching you how to make a delicious and healthy meal for your family?
Unfortunately, this was the spark that lit the pilot of her career. She was suddenly iconic and marketable (sex...and food always sell). Now she has her own talk show, three Food Network series, a line of cookware and hundreds of books! She even has her own brand of E.V.O.O. Which might I add, is supposed to be an abbreviation but doesn't work since every time she uses it, she ends up spelling out the damn thing! "E.V.O.O., Extra Virgin Olive Oil!"
Quite frankly, she needs to be stopped. No I don't compare her to Hitler or Stalin (she's a little more bubbly). But really people, I think she's trying to take over the world. Every commercial or billboard I see has her face and that deliriously huge smile selling coffee or donuts! She is everywhere and no one can stop her. She's like the Miley Cyrus for soccer moms.
What more can this woman possibly do? I take that back, I don't want to know.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Hi, my name is?
So the more I write the more it looks like this may actually be a future for me (I hope). I'm getting this whole blog thing down pretty well and have come to the conclusion that maybe I don't need to be a stripper to entertain an audience after all.
But one thing keeps bugging me: my name.
I've grown up with this unoriginal, impossible-to-pronounce/spell, boring name. It has only held me back I think. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and blah blah but the four letter arrangement after my first name just won't fly on a book cover or strewn across a magazine.
You may be saying, "How can anyone mispronounce such a simple looking name?" Oh my God, it's unbelievable how many people suddenly turn illiterate the second they glance over my name for the first time. No teacher, peer, friend, telemarketer etc. has ever been able to pronounce it right. For everyone's info, it's GOVE, with a long "O", not like love but like go + ve. I get called every variation of enunciation and accentuation. My favorite is when people add letters to make it even more difficult. Grove. Gore. Gomes. Grover. It never ends.
My point with all this ranting is that I just want a name that is unique but not so unusual and uninteresting. I know, people will always be stupid and mess up even the simplest name and maybe I should just be proud of who I am but, oh well. It's something I want to change. It's like plastic surgery to my body of writing. A little nip and tuck and I'll feel more confident.
So many celebrities have had the same work done:
Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon
Justin Willman "Kredible"
Jonah Hill Feldstein
Brooke Bussey-Hunt a.k.a. the more feisty Diablo Cody
What's in a name? No, not something we call a rose or whatever Romeo said. It's how people identify your talent and deserving work. Next to your face, and the work itself, a name is pretty important. Why should my work be recognized as that of Jessica Grove's?
But one thing keeps bugging me: my name.
I've grown up with this unoriginal, impossible-to-pronounce/spell, boring name. It has only held me back I think. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and blah blah but the four letter arrangement after my first name just won't fly on a book cover or strewn across a magazine.
You may be saying, "How can anyone mispronounce such a simple looking name?" Oh my God, it's unbelievable how many people suddenly turn illiterate the second they glance over my name for the first time. No teacher, peer, friend, telemarketer etc. has ever been able to pronounce it right. For everyone's info, it's GOVE, with a long "O", not like love but like go + ve. I get called every variation of enunciation and accentuation. My favorite is when people add letters to make it even more difficult. Grove. Gore. Gomes. Grover. It never ends.
My point with all this ranting is that I just want a name that is unique but not so unusual and uninteresting. I know, people will always be stupid and mess up even the simplest name and maybe I should just be proud of who I am but, oh well. It's something I want to change. It's like plastic surgery to my body of writing. A little nip and tuck and I'll feel more confident.
So many celebrities have had the same work done:
Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon
Justin Willman "Kredible"
Jonah Hill Feldstein
Brooke Bussey-Hunt a.k.a. the more feisty Diablo Cody
What's in a name? No, not something we call a rose or whatever Romeo said. It's how people identify your talent and deserving work. Next to your face, and the work itself, a name is pretty important. Why should my work be recognized as that of Jessica Grove's?
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