The One with the Texan Family

*These few blogs are in honor of my approaching Disney move date.

Most families have an indescribably good time at the Walt Disney World Resort. Most families have unbeatable bonding experiences and memorable Kodak moments to take home from a vacation in the most magical place on Earth. My family doesn’t vacation like most families...

There are hundreds of attractions to hit up when in Disney World. There are shows, both 3-D and regular dimensioned, rides, parades shops and then some—to the point of almost overload. As a nine-year-old, all of these things are absolutely necessary to have the most fun possible. Miss the Magic Kingdom parade? Trip’s ruined! Aladdin leave before you got an autograph? Just go home now!

Rides are probably the most important and plentiful as you explore the four parks. Each one, even the baby rides like Dumbo and Cinderella’s Carousel, are a new adventure awaiting you—of course only after you’ve waited in a two hour long line in the blistering sun. Like any theme park, there are height requirements and warnings against people with heart, back and neck problems and other various ailments. When traveling with two senior citizens, checking off these problems is all too upsetting when deciding what is ride-able.

There was no way they were going to let me wait in line for an hour-and-a-half all alone. My grandpa came around for me and joined me on some good rides like Splash Mountain but when it came to Thunder Mountain he thought he should sit it out. What was their brilliant plan to get me on the ride? Pawn me off to some strange family, of course.

My grandma picked out what she thought looked like the friendliest family about to get in line for the ride. It was a family of four, mom, dad, son and daughter. They were all tall with reddish-blond hair and thick southern accents; "Howdy, y’all” was not a greeting I was accustomed to up north. Despite my insisting this ride was no longer necessary (or at least not worth this), I begged my grandma not to ask the nice people to watch me for the length of the line and ride. The mother of the group welcomed me over to them like Mickey at the gates of the Magic Kingdom—lots of excited arm waving and an immovable smile. Dragging my new white Keds against the clean brick road, I was pushed right into the line with my new family for the next 90 minutes.

“Oh my gawd, quit pokin’ me or I’ll git you back!” shrieked the sister. She was a little older than me and much taller with what appeared to be a bowl haircut. The poker, her brother, was about my height and a little younger. I stood between the parents and kids just waiting for the ride to be over. Mom kept nudging for conversation and the daughter seemed to love having another ear around. She kept telling me all these stories about her life back in Texas and all her "friends." She went on, “So some of my friends have like this secret society and they were like ‘Y’all can’t join’. And I was like ‘What do you mean?’ And they were like ‘Y’all aren’t allowed in our society.’”

Meanwhile, my queue line-brother was chomping some sort of candy. He of course chewed with his mouth open so I could watch every piece of candy crumble away. “Offer her some’a yer candy!” demanded Mom. “Ya want some?” he asked with a mouth full of colored bits, “It’s Lion King bug candy. Each one’s a different color. Watch. This one makes my mouth turn green.” His mouth was in fact now green. “This one makes my mouth turn purple.” Purple it was.

Each shrill voice went in one ear, crashed into the other voice and exploded in my head. The daughter continued, “They said I had to wear all white and had to complete their missions but I was like ‘Y’all are crazy. I ain’t doin’ that.’ So I didn’t,” while little brother showed me how red his mouth could get if he ate more than one candy at a time. Eternity eventually ended and we got on the ride. Thunder Mountain is an awesome ride and well worth the wait, but well worth being adopted for a while by this freaky family of four? I could have gone without.

The next time my family and I went to the magical land of Mickey, my grandfather, now 70-years-old, rode the Tower of Terror ride and didn’t even crack a smile…

The One with the Duck

On Christmas morning when a young child opens there big presents from Santa Clause, sometimes they just like the giant box their bicycle or toy kitchen came in. That is the feeling my family got from my sister and I when we were more excited about the ducks at the bus stop than the world of magic around us.

Disney provides an excellent source of reliable transportation to and from the parks and resorts on their grounds. Not to mention the adorable wild life that roams free around the area. For some reason, at every bus stop we waited at there were ducks that like to hang out and wait with us as if Donald sent them himself to keep us company. We would feed them crackers and take pictures while not so anxiously awaiting the bus to Animal Kingdom—where giraffes and elephants are but an arm’s length away. The ducks just enthralled our attention and we couldn’t get enough. “Oh look Jessie! That one just ruffled his feathers. Let’s call him Charlie,” my sister exclaimed.

Once we got to the parks, the rides, the shows and parades reclaimed our attention to our family’s enjoyment. The other more exotic birds were just as exciting to us with their colorful wings and one leg stands; and the non-winged creatures were fun too. A safari took us through a replica of an African wildlife reserve and we got to see zebras, antelope and lions that my sister insisted were Simba and Nala themselves. As the night came to an end, we found ourselves waiting in line for the night time spectacular Fantasmic—a fireworks show infused with water, fire and lasers.
Just like all other attraction in Disney the line for this show was at least two hours long. Thankfully, the wait was well worth it. As you enter the giant stadium, we were escorted to the front row. In front of us was just a railing and then a large man-made lake topped with a realistic mountain. All of us were amazed by the unbelievable set-up we were looking at. Around the corner of the mountain, my sister and I caught a glimpse of the secret backstage action when out of nowhere, a duck floated by. “Jessie! Jessie, it’s a ducky!” my sister screamed.

As the sun was setting over the magnificent mountain range in front of us, we were yet again enchanted by a duck. We decided to name this little guy Ferdinand. He swam back and forth in the water, dipping under every so often and flittering his feathers. Soon the lights dimmed, Mickey appeared and the real show was about to begin. Still, out of the corner of our eyes, we could still see Ferdinand swimming around the edge of the mountain. Water shot up in sheet like forms and videos were projected onto them at Mickey’s command. Then the all powerful mouse decided to summon some fire. The entire lake, just 20 feet in front of us, became engulfed in flames.

“Ooh, aah,” the audience sighed in amazement. My sister’s eyes lit up with joy and the reflection of the flames. And then we remembered—Ferdinand. “Oh my God. Where did Ferdinand go?” I asked my sister. “He was just right there,” she assured me. But he wasn’t there anymore. As the flames died down, there was nothing left but rippling water and no sign of our duck friend. We don’t know if Ferdinand made it out safely and we never will; but we will always remember the night we saw a duck burn to a crisp at Disney World.

The One with the Fib

Most families have an indescribably good time in Disney. Most families have unbeatable bonding experiences and memorable, Kodak moments to take home from a vacation in the most magical place on Earth. My family doesn’t vacation like most families.

In 2003, my whole family flew south for school vacation. This was my third trip to Disney World and my parents’ and sister’s first. My dad hates crowds, my mom hates confined spaces and not being next to a pool for several hours, my sister has motion sickness and is allergic to everything but Minnie Mouse, my grandfather had just turned 70 and my grandma considers Pirates of the Caribbean an all out thrill ride.

Much to my expectations, the family wasn’t too into my detailed itinerary and enjoyed more of a, “let’s just sit on a bench eating ice cream and watch other people have fun” sort of approach. Attempting a ride or attraction led to my sister throwing up, my grandma flirting with Prince Charming and my grandfather feeding an alligator a hot dog—apparently, to my grandfather, the giant “DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS” sign read, “We like hot dogs, extra mustard.”

Sometimes, to get people to do things, you need to stretch the truth a little. A tiny cricket told Pinocchio that lying bad—that cricket obviously never took a trip to Disney with a difficult family. As we ran through Frontier Land in the Magic Kingdom, my sister and I saw the one thing more exciting than a rare sighting of Donald Duck—a short line for Splash Mountain. On average, this water ride has one of the longest wait times. When you see a line shorter than two hours, you ride Splash Mountain that very moment. My mother had avoided almost every ride, wishing she were by our hotel’s pool instead. She had promised us all that she would at least go on this family friendly-log ride style attraction. As my sister, father and I sprinted to the end of the line, my mom veered off saying she needed to go to the bathroom first. “Peter, I really have to go,” she told my father with a stern look. “But this is a line that leads to the bathrooms,” my father blatantly lied. “I thought they were--” my mother was cut off as my father said, “No really this way. Hurry, the line is moving.”

We hopped into the line and as other people hurried to catch up with us, my mother noticed that maybe we weren’t in line for the bathroom after all. “Peter, where are we going?” she asked. He comforted my mother with, “Oh don’t worry. We’ll be on and off the ride before you know it”

RobOBAMA

"Who invited that guy?"

Mother Speidi

vs.

The Hills-top haughty, Heidi Pratt, and her nude-bearded beau, Spencer, have started to make their way around the talk show circuit after their brief stint on NBC's "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!" After being ripped a new one by Al Roker, the girls on The View had their way with the bubbly blockheads.

As Heidi continuously sprayed her hair with her new line of dry shampoo (because her obviously coiffed hair was in need of a washing mid-interview), Spencer described to Elisabeth what it was like to be baptized in a river by Stephen Baldwin. Ms. Holier-than-thou-Hassleback thought Spencer's re-birth was a great thing but Whoopie saw through the bullshit and Spenced-out a little herself. She genuinely but sternly warned the two that they may be on a potentially dangerous path that may kick them off the Hills and onto the streets.

One topic that Joy couldn't let pass was Heidi's high hopes for her future. The self-proclaimed Jesus lover has said, "My goal is to be a true disciple of Jesus, a Mother Teresa helping the poor and the hungry." In case you were confused, she is talking about the Nobel Peace Prize Winning, almost-a-saint Mother Teresa. I mean, they both love Jesus, have traveled the world...posed for Playboy? I think not. When asked if posing nude is really a good Mother Teresa-wannabe move, Heidi explained that she is just a more modern day version. Feeding the poor by day, posing for a raunchy centerfold by night.

One can only hope these two media tyrants will see the end of their inexplicable fame. Sadly, as long as cheesy reality shows starring kinda-celebs are being filmed, Speidi will be there. Or if Playboy pages need more bodacious blondes, Speidi will be there. And until Mother Teresa's shoes have officially been filled, Speidi will be there to gracefully slip them on--except they'll be a more strappy pair of Manolo's, with a matching purse, to hold all the food for the poor kids.

Cougar?

Hmm, that doesn't look like a middle-aged woman on the prowl...

College Art

Thirsty Thursday

Peace?

Guess not.

Sometimes, when you extend the olive branch, the other person snaps it in half and hits you with it.

Life goes on.

M-I-C-K-E-

Y? Because I've been accepted into the Walt Disney World College Internship!

In case you haven't been anywhere near myself, a computer or cell phone in the past month, I finally got accepted to the Disney internship that I've always wanted! You've probably already heard seeing as I now walk around saying, "Hi, I move to Disney in August. How are you?" I feel I've earned the right to be bragg-y though.

So, if all goes as planned, I move to sunny Orlando on August 24, 2009 and return to chilly Massachusetts January 8, 2010. Woah. I know. Before all that I graduate in May and hopefully spend the summer working everyday so I won't be poor in Florida. That's one of my many, understandable and expected concerns--being poor. Also on the list: getting a not so fun job with an unflattering costume, being sunburned for all 5 months and being alone/away from family and friends. My family has already planned on visiting for Christmas and my friends say they will visit on winter break.

This internship for me is:

1. An excuse to avoid the real world for a while
2. A new beginning for me

I am so excited to move to a new state and just start fresh. No one down there will know me. No one will have prejudgments. No one will already hate me--they will have at least a little while to get to know me before that happens. I am excited to make friends with someone from Morocco or some place else E.P.C.O.T.-exotic like England. On my most recent visit to the world-of-mouse I tried my best to mingle and be friendly. Not that anyone will remember me come August but it was nice knowing I'd be living with people like that someday soon.

Throughout my Expedition: Disney, I will update this frequently. Maybe with pictures. Maybe with videos. Until then, I will just try and make sure I graduate, get a job and get a head start on my tan.

Ps. I fully intend on meeting Miley/Jonas Bros./every other Disney star I can get my bloggin' hands on!

Spring Broke 2

Ladies and Gents, I did it--I left Massachusetts for spring break.

Unlike last year when I spent my week off in Taunton tan-free and totally sober, this year I went all out. Cancun didn't liquor me up and film me for a late night-censor barred commercial about previously not wild girls. I was also not found half naked on a beach in Miami with a newly inked tramp stamp of an angel flying out of my ass.

Instead, I drank Margaritas in sunny Mexico and ate fish'n'chips in jolly ol'England. I marveled at castles, came unusually close to a giraffe and flew in an elephant. No, I was not high but in the happiest place on Earth. I didn't chose the Tila Tequila-MTV route for my senior year spring break. I actually went the exact opposite and spent three gorgeous and kid-friendly days in Walt Disney World. There was sun, water and fun just with a little more clothing and a little less liquor.

Last year (and all previous years) the main problem was the cash. I never understood how people had the kind of money needed to travel anywhere other than home for the one week off we get in early spring. This year, I still didn't understand and didn't have the money necessary. Thanks to some last minute saving, my family's generous contributions and my boyfriend's credit card, my dream break happened! I hadn't been to Disney in six years and had just applied for a six month internship there for after graduation. This was the year; this was my last chance.

On a completely spur of the moment, an uncharacteristically spontaneous decision was made for my bf and I to go south for spring. We talked, we planned, we purchased and it was a done deal. The ease of all this made me realize how the tanorexic beauties and their beaus travel so extravagantly--plastic! A credit card and bill a whole month away was the key to this whole adventure.

As not-stereotypical as it was, my senior year spring break was spent exactly the way I wanted it. No longer must I envy those glistening bods on the beach because we both got what we needed and have the same credit card bill smiling back at us.

Good morning Barack Obama!

Hope everyone has been watching the patriotic-perfection that is the 2009 Presidential Inauguration of President Barack H. Obama!

Some highlights thus far of this wintry Washington wonder...

The former Chiefs of State:

• President Bush Sr.'s fur hunting cap


• President Jimmy Carter being all cute and elderly


• President Clinton's painfully awkward we're on TV-for the love of Obama pretend to like me-embraces with Hilary "this shoulda been me, damn it" Clinton

The first family:

• Michelle O in her flowing golden dress and matching cape designed by Isabel Toledo alongside Malia and lil Sasha Fierce in their fresh first kid wardrobes worthy of some kiddie runway action. (In case you missed it: the little fiercettes were recently serenaded by the Jonas Bros. in all their glory on the Disney Channel Inauguration special!)
  
• President Obama in his classy red tie and white shirt and that perfect accessory on his face--that warm, welcoming and hopeful smile from ear to ear

On a more serious swearing in of a president note, this has been a beautiful and emotional day for the whole world. As I type this, I am watching with goosebumps as Obama recites his oath, stumbling here and there proving that he is human and understands what he is undertaking (although, they do expect him to remember a lot to recite back in one take).

It's after 12:00 pm on the East Coast which officially means Bush Jr. can make his way merrily back to Texas and Obama, the forever historical first black president, can make himself comfy in the big White House.

2009 blogs to come!

Promise 09 will mean more 0Jess.

New blog ideas are brewin but until then...my latest obsession:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-54jyy935cM


BlogToYaLater

-j